How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
