the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
