ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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