I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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