Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
