Your tits are I can't wait for
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
