nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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