I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
