she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
