It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
