One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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