Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
from now on my penis is your penis
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
