I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
