I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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