i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
