We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
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You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
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Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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