the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
