i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
