So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
