I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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