So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
