I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
