is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
