I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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