Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
