New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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