how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
