The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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