you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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