Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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