Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
