I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
