my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
