I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
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You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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