if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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