Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Randomize
