Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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