i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
