I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
