you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
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