I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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