I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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