I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Randomize
