Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
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i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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