pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
