I faked an abortion last night.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
