Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
