Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
