Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
