Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
