That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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