Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
