The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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