why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
