bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
