Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
