conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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