high people should be assigned attendants
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
