not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
