Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
