In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
