I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
