Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho