But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
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I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
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Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since